Inspired by true events.
The Element of Surprise.
We had been planning this party for about a month now. Everyone had been given their tasks and the menu had been arranged and shared out so that each family brought one food dish to build up the buffet. The grandchildren were also involved and were given instructions for organising all the party decorations and banners for their nans surprise party. It was going to be the best party my mother had ever had.
Since the passing away of my father, mum had become very down and depressed. Which is understandable considering they had been married for over 38 years and loved each other dearly. In any case having this party, for her birthday, was going to cheer her up and show her how much we love her.
Two days before her birthday, mother rang and I picked up. After catching up on the latest events, mother asked, "I hope you can make it on Thursday, it will be nice to have you round."
"Oh, umm actually, Thursday I have invited my friends round. I haven't seen them in a while and it will be good catching up." I said this in a light-hearted manner as not to indicate that I knew my words would have hurt her. "Why don't you come round to mine on that day, as I know it's your birthday?"
"No, I was hoping you would come, your brother is buying a cake and it would be nice to have my children around." You could tell by the tone she was not happy. "I phoned your sister and she is not feeling well so will not be coming either."
"It's ok, I am sure she will come on the weekend, like me. You know it's hard on weekdays' due to work." I promised but was feeling really bad now.
"Your other brother will be home late from work on that day too, so he will probably pop in for a minute just to say happy birthday." she said sounding so sad, but eventually we finished our conversation and said our goodbye's. The call ended.
I knew for a fact that all my brothers and sisters had come up with an excuse to say they were busy, just so mum would be fully surprised at her party. The plan had been instigated and now we were just waiting for the day to arrive.
On the day of the party, as planned everyone had gathered at our friends (more like a sister) house and had the food and decorations set up. My mother lived just down the road with my younger brother and his wife. Everything was ready except for one thing that no-one had accounted for; how were they going to call mum to come up to this house without her suspecting a party. The dilema.
"I know" one of my sisters said. "We will get our friend (who's house we were in) to phone down to my mum and say her the baby had fallen and was bleeding from the head."
I can honestly say the room was buzzing with excitement and if there was any other way we could get our mum to come we would have done it. After considering the idea (granted it was only considered for about a minute) my friend took the phone and started the call.
She was good. She deserved an oscar for her performance. Even though the phone call lasted one minute or even less, she had cried in such a panicked way that a couple of us had to ask if the baby had really fallen. She then slammed the phone down. Everyone crammed into the kitchen waiting for my mum.
Again within a couple of minutes the doorbell rang and there was urgent banging on the door. My friend went to open the door. Everyone waited patiently in the kitchen, when we heard our mother in the living room we poured out the kitchen and shouted "SURPRISE!!!."
Pouring out that kitchen and shouting 'surprise', you should have seen mum's face. She was in shock. Looking at her she must have run pretty fast to get here so quick.
Her hair was not combed, she didn't have a coat on and one shoe was on her foot with the other in her hand, not to mention the expression on her face. She looked petrified with everyone pouring out the kitchen shouting 'surprise'. My other brother and his wife arrived saying "she ran out before we could stop her."
All of a sudden we heard a noise. "Eeeeeeeee," it was a high pitched screeching sound. We turned to our mother and saw her holding her chest, making this sound and trying to breath.
All hell broke loose, within a couple of seconds there was everyone rallying around mum, shouting at all the kids to go out to the garden and screaming at each other saying it was their idea.
"Mum, what's the matter, just breath."
"Oh no, we've killed our mother on her birthday."
"Come on mum, it was a surprise party, the baby is fine, just breath."
"No you move out her way, why should I move."
"Who's stupid idea was this, if she dies that won't be good."
"Eeeeeeee," tears rolling down my mums face while she tries to breath and her clutching her chest and all of a sudden falling to the ground making the screeching noise. It was a manic time.
Little fights broke out, where my sisters blamed each other and my brother blaming everyone for the stupid idea. It was such a sight. Mum was still screaming and crying everyone was telling her to calm down and breath giving her an inhaler and other prescription drugs that she takes for angina and diabetis. Yes I know, we should have taken her health into consideration before our stunt. We just hadn't planned it would take such a drastic turn for the worse.
Eventually everything did calm down. We got mum on the sofa and gave her some air, everyone was upset by things that had been said in the heat of that moment and were sitting quietly in a huff. The atmosphere was quite tense.
"So! where are my presents?" mum said looking at everyone as if nothing had happened. We all burst out laughing.
Trust me we have never given her a surprise party since.
Friday, 24 October 2008
Wednesday, 15 October 2008
Monday, 13 October 2008
Spinach is Greener on the Otherside.
Inspired by true events.
Have you ever made mud cakes? I don't mean putting loads of chocolate in a bowl with flour, eggs, sugar and other ingredients then baking the mixture to make a cake. No, I mean literally filling a bowl with soil dug from your garden, adding water to make a paste, making little patties with the mixture and leaving it in the sun to dry; well I have. Luckily, my mind goes convenietly blank as to remembering whether these mud cakes were ever taken up by human consumption. Truthfully even if they had I don't think I would admit it.
"Don't worry dear I won't be that much longer" mum was talking on the phone to my brother who was desperate for her to come home. "Nan is getting better by the day, tommorrow she will be back from hospital so it will only be a couple of days after that".
"Oh, mum I just miss you alot" my brother huffed at the phone. Grabbing it off him I started grinning whilst shouting down the phone "Only because he is missing your cooking" I started to laugh. My brother grabbed the phone back.
Mum had been gone for a week now and I was left in charge of the cooking and to be fair I was not the best cook in the house,(obviously after reading the first paragraph)so understandably my brother was not happy.
When the phone call finished dad went out to get some take-away for us all, which cheered my brother up. "Why don't you cook if you think my food is bad, you always say you could do better" I said in a mocking tone never expecting him to take up the offer.
"I will then, dad will probably love it more than yours anyway" he replied in a playful manner.
So the next day my brother was chef and as promised he started to prepare a meat and spinach stew. He chopped an onion and started to fry it in a bit of oil adding salt and mixed herbs which he found in the kitchen. He was following a recipe from one of mum's cook books' and seemed to be doing a good job as the smell was irresistable.
Bless, he seemed so happy in his own little bubble, faffing around in the kitchen cupboards thinking he was Gary Rhodes, chopping the spinach evenly which he had freshly picked from the garden. He was loving it.
I was beginning to get abit jealous now, not just because the food was looking and smelling good in the serving bowl on the table but because Dad kept saying "at last a proper meal, my son the cook" and then laughing with my brother.
We all sat down and started tucking into our meal. "Mmmm, that's lovely" dad said. "Are you sure you made it and it's not shop brought". My brother just grinned from ear to ear. I didn't say a word.
"Mmmm, delicious" again Dad made a point of saying. "Just one thing though,some of this spinach seems really tough". Dad said trying to clean some spinach off his front teeth with his tongue. My brother and me both looked at dad and I agreed there did seem to be something wrong with the food. "Which shop did you get the spinach from, I should complain".
"I didn't buy the spinach I picked it from the garden next to the mint leaves".
"Huh, we don't grow spinach in our garden" dad said while pulling a long thin piece of grass from his teeth.
Have you ever made mud cakes? I don't mean putting loads of chocolate in a bowl with flour, eggs, sugar and other ingredients then baking the mixture to make a cake. No, I mean literally filling a bowl with soil dug from your garden, adding water to make a paste, making little patties with the mixture and leaving it in the sun to dry; well I have. Luckily, my mind goes convenietly blank as to remembering whether these mud cakes were ever taken up by human consumption. Truthfully even if they had I don't think I would admit it.
"Don't worry dear I won't be that much longer" mum was talking on the phone to my brother who was desperate for her to come home. "Nan is getting better by the day, tommorrow she will be back from hospital so it will only be a couple of days after that".
"Oh, mum I just miss you alot" my brother huffed at the phone. Grabbing it off him I started grinning whilst shouting down the phone "Only because he is missing your cooking" I started to laugh. My brother grabbed the phone back.
Mum had been gone for a week now and I was left in charge of the cooking and to be fair I was not the best cook in the house,(obviously after reading the first paragraph)so understandably my brother was not happy.
When the phone call finished dad went out to get some take-away for us all, which cheered my brother up. "Why don't you cook if you think my food is bad, you always say you could do better" I said in a mocking tone never expecting him to take up the offer.
"I will then, dad will probably love it more than yours anyway" he replied in a playful manner.
So the next day my brother was chef and as promised he started to prepare a meat and spinach stew. He chopped an onion and started to fry it in a bit of oil adding salt and mixed herbs which he found in the kitchen. He was following a recipe from one of mum's cook books' and seemed to be doing a good job as the smell was irresistable.
Bless, he seemed so happy in his own little bubble, faffing around in the kitchen cupboards thinking he was Gary Rhodes, chopping the spinach evenly which he had freshly picked from the garden. He was loving it.
I was beginning to get abit jealous now, not just because the food was looking and smelling good in the serving bowl on the table but because Dad kept saying "at last a proper meal, my son the cook" and then laughing with my brother.
We all sat down and started tucking into our meal. "Mmmm, that's lovely" dad said. "Are you sure you made it and it's not shop brought". My brother just grinned from ear to ear. I didn't say a word.
"Mmmm, delicious" again Dad made a point of saying. "Just one thing though,some of this spinach seems really tough". Dad said trying to clean some spinach off his front teeth with his tongue. My brother and me both looked at dad and I agreed there did seem to be something wrong with the food. "Which shop did you get the spinach from, I should complain".
"I didn't buy the spinach I picked it from the garden next to the mint leaves".
"Huh, we don't grow spinach in our garden" dad said while pulling a long thin piece of grass from his teeth.
Thursday, 9 October 2008
Mother Dearest (part 1)
Inspired by true events
"I didn't just go to one shop, I went to five" father said with a hint of pride in his voice. "It did take a long time to choose the right machine but I had to be certain I wasn't buying something crap that would break in a year".
Infact I don't think father had ever chose a household appliance without searching a billion shops (slight exaggeration on my behalf).
Our washing machine had died on us and the fact that it had lasted about ten years just proved my father right about searching for a bargain. He had been looking for several weeks now and during this period the clothes were being washed on a daily basis by hand. The bedsheets were the hardest to do (as you can imagine); me or my sisters had to climb into the bath and stamp around on the sheets to give them a good going over, then mother would rinse, ring and hang them out to dry. Even though it sounds like fun it had started to wear mother down, so obviously the pressure was on for a new washing machine. Yet, father still managed to shop around and get the best deal out there.
"Look how many functions it has and have you seen the size of the drum?" father was showing his newly installed machine to mum's friend, who by the look on her face seemed impressed. Father had asked mum to christen the machine so she had left to collect a load.
On her return she started to load up the machine as per instructions.
"You only need to put half a cup of powder in one load as this is the latest model and it can clean just as good, if not better,with that amount rather than using a whole cup" father carried on bragging about his machine. "Now all you do is press this button, turn this knob and switch it on, tadaaa, listen to how much quieter it is than the normal machine".
For about five minutes into the wash father, mum's friend and us children stood and watched the machine listening to other facts about the new appliance. Mother had gone off to make some tea and every now and then would pop her head around and ask how much sugar etc, etc.
All of a sudden the machine started making a loud rumbling noise, chugg chugg chugg; it got louder and harder. Chugg, Chugg, bang bang the noise had got louder still and the machine started to move forward slightly.
Sheer panick on Dad's face "erm, I think I must have pressed the wrong button", chugg, rumble, the machine kept on making the noise. Trying to push the moving machine backwards into it's place and also pushing a load of buttons dad said "Errr, I will shut it off just to make sure it's not because the door wasn't closed properly". It just kept on making the noise and to make matters worse dad was having no luck in switching it off (something to do with water being in the drum and the door being locked, child proof, I don't know some super new function that dad had just boasted about). Dad was absolutely struggling now, faffing with this button and that switch, he honestly did not know what to do (not to mention the embarrassment infront of mum's friend).
Mother had heard the commotion and came back into the room. Seeing dad stressed she said "oh! move out the way I will fix it" saying this she took over with the button pushing. The noise just continued. Father was trying to explain to the friend that the machine is brand new and maybe he should call the company and complain when out of the blue mother had started kicking the washing machine and banging on the side really hard. I mean my mother was no footballer but I reckon she could have got the ball from one end of the pitch to the other, thats how hard she was kicking this brand new machine.
Father just looked on and before he could say anything the noise stopped. The machine was quiet and still processing the clothes. With everyone just looking at her, mother walked off back towards the kitchen and shouted, "There's no way I'm handwashing again; stupid machine, didn't even come with any free washing powder".
"I didn't just go to one shop, I went to five" father said with a hint of pride in his voice. "It did take a long time to choose the right machine but I had to be certain I wasn't buying something crap that would break in a year".
Infact I don't think father had ever chose a household appliance without searching a billion shops (slight exaggeration on my behalf).
Our washing machine had died on us and the fact that it had lasted about ten years just proved my father right about searching for a bargain. He had been looking for several weeks now and during this period the clothes were being washed on a daily basis by hand. The bedsheets were the hardest to do (as you can imagine); me or my sisters had to climb into the bath and stamp around on the sheets to give them a good going over, then mother would rinse, ring and hang them out to dry. Even though it sounds like fun it had started to wear mother down, so obviously the pressure was on for a new washing machine. Yet, father still managed to shop around and get the best deal out there.
"Look how many functions it has and have you seen the size of the drum?" father was showing his newly installed machine to mum's friend, who by the look on her face seemed impressed. Father had asked mum to christen the machine so she had left to collect a load.
On her return she started to load up the machine as per instructions.
"You only need to put half a cup of powder in one load as this is the latest model and it can clean just as good, if not better,with that amount rather than using a whole cup" father carried on bragging about his machine. "Now all you do is press this button, turn this knob and switch it on, tadaaa, listen to how much quieter it is than the normal machine".
For about five minutes into the wash father, mum's friend and us children stood and watched the machine listening to other facts about the new appliance. Mother had gone off to make some tea and every now and then would pop her head around and ask how much sugar etc, etc.
All of a sudden the machine started making a loud rumbling noise, chugg chugg chugg; it got louder and harder. Chugg, Chugg, bang bang the noise had got louder still and the machine started to move forward slightly.
Sheer panick on Dad's face "erm, I think I must have pressed the wrong button", chugg, rumble, the machine kept on making the noise. Trying to push the moving machine backwards into it's place and also pushing a load of buttons dad said "Errr, I will shut it off just to make sure it's not because the door wasn't closed properly". It just kept on making the noise and to make matters worse dad was having no luck in switching it off (something to do with water being in the drum and the door being locked, child proof, I don't know some super new function that dad had just boasted about). Dad was absolutely struggling now, faffing with this button and that switch, he honestly did not know what to do (not to mention the embarrassment infront of mum's friend).
Mother had heard the commotion and came back into the room. Seeing dad stressed she said "oh! move out the way I will fix it" saying this she took over with the button pushing. The noise just continued. Father was trying to explain to the friend that the machine is brand new and maybe he should call the company and complain when out of the blue mother had started kicking the washing machine and banging on the side really hard. I mean my mother was no footballer but I reckon she could have got the ball from one end of the pitch to the other, thats how hard she was kicking this brand new machine.
Father just looked on and before he could say anything the noise stopped. The machine was quiet and still processing the clothes. With everyone just looking at her, mother walked off back towards the kitchen and shouted, "There's no way I'm handwashing again; stupid machine, didn't even come with any free washing powder".
Friday, 3 October 2008
Summertime
Inspired by true events.
I loved Summertime, especially since school was closed and there were six lovely weeks of late nights and waking up at midday to the beautiful sunny days just playing, eating and more playing it was the best time of the year.
Describing the games that we (me, my sister and our two friends) played or the things we did in the Summer is best depicted by, maybe a novel written by Enid Blyton probably a famous five story (except there was only four of us and we were not at all famous); or even the film 'Stand by Me' (except no dead body or railway track).
Stealing blackberries from the neighbours bush then making blackberry squash by adding sugar and water to them (loads of sugar might I add). Having water fights with other children who we really did not know and their parents telling our parents that we had ruined their best going out clothes.
Infact, getting into trouble with mum was a major part of the Summer. I mean if a day had gone past without getting into trouble I am sure it was because we were either asleep all day or ill. Even so, I loved the Summer.
"If I ever catch you on the roof of the kitchen again then I will smack you" mum said very angrily. I had often just climbed on the roof and sat there on the ledge just staring at the view, maybe drawing a picture or two or maybe just spying on my sister through her bedroom window which overlooked the roof. Sometimes, I got caught but majority of the time I got away with it.
I listened to mum quietly and when finished I went to my sisters room. Our neighbour was there who was also our best friend ever and both of them were talking about how they hated 'Europe' and the song 'A Final Countdown'. It was number one at that time and had been playing constantly on the radio and top of the pops.
"He is the ugliest man in the world, and totally grosses me out" Daisy said.
My sister was laughing hysterically because she had just bought a teen magazine with him in full on a two page spread and she was flashing the picture towards Daisy and making kissy noises. Daisy was so not impressed but the laughter continued until eventually Daisy was called by her mum for tea and had to go.
"It would be hysterical if we could pin this picture on her bedroom wall tonight, ready for her when she gets up in the morning" my sister had said with a mischievious grin. " she will be totally freaked. Why don't you go and ask her mum".
"Me, no way you do it" I replied.
"Oh, pleeeeease, you know your the bestest sister ever"
"No way, any how I don't think we could do it without waking her up anyway, so it's a silly idea".
"We should try because it would be hilarious" my sister said smiling at me. So we sat and thought for a while.
"Umm, what about if I climb on the Kitchen roof and access her window from her Kitchen roof then sellotape the picture on her window" I said excited that this idea might work. "Then, when she wakes up and opens her curtains she will see his face looking in on her and will scream, it will be so funny" I sounded so enthusiastic.
"What if you break their roof, mum will kill you".
"Oh, please I am super slick on the roof, just like catwoman I can slide across light and nimble" I said doing an immpression of catwoman tippy toeing in the bedroom. That evening the plan had been set and early tommorow (well around 11am) it would be put into action.
I woke up at 10.30am all eager to put our plan into play. After waking my sister, I quietly opened the garden door and outside I climbed on our kitchen roof. Careful not to make any noise, as not to wake Daisy or even my mother.
Very cautiously I climbed onto the neighbours kitchen roof.
Tippy toe, tippy toe, tippy toe, across the top I went, very slowly as not to fall or make any sound that would be heard in the neighbours kitchen. The picture rolled up in one hand and sellotape in the other, tippy toe, tippy toe all the way to her window. I was there at last and the curtains were closed so I carefully opened the picture and placed it face inwards on the window.
Now trying to use the sellotape with one hand whilst holding the picture against the window with the other and having to use my teeth to break the tape proved quite tricky but I eventually managed it.
I looked up towards the window and reached out my hand to place the first strip of tape when all of a sudden the curtain opened. I froze.
It all happened within a couple of minutes, I looked up at the face in the window, which was not Daisy's by the way but her mothers, looking very angrily at me. So I jumped backwards and fell towards our kitchen roof. Even then I did not stop I just crawled towards our roof and once on it I stood up and looked at Daisy's mum asking "What are you doing? you could have fallen". All I could say was it was the picture. I don't even know why I thought her mum would know what I was talking about.
All of a sudden I heard banging on my sisters window and I thought she is calling me to climb in. So on turning my head and getting ready to run in that direction, again I just froze.
Mum had been banging on the window and she looked really angry saying she was going to kick my butt. Showing me her fist, she was opening the window but before she could scream at me, all I could think of before I jumped off the roof was 'It's the Final Countdown dannana nanananan dannana nanananna (music to the song).........
Obviously, I didn't die, I just sprained my ankle along with getting into sooo much trouble that wonderful, gorgeous Summer.
I loved Summertime, especially since school was closed and there were six lovely weeks of late nights and waking up at midday to the beautiful sunny days just playing, eating and more playing it was the best time of the year.
Describing the games that we (me, my sister and our two friends) played or the things we did in the Summer is best depicted by, maybe a novel written by Enid Blyton probably a famous five story (except there was only four of us and we were not at all famous); or even the film 'Stand by Me' (except no dead body or railway track).
Stealing blackberries from the neighbours bush then making blackberry squash by adding sugar and water to them (loads of sugar might I add). Having water fights with other children who we really did not know and their parents telling our parents that we had ruined their best going out clothes.
Infact, getting into trouble with mum was a major part of the Summer. I mean if a day had gone past without getting into trouble I am sure it was because we were either asleep all day or ill. Even so, I loved the Summer.
"If I ever catch you on the roof of the kitchen again then I will smack you" mum said very angrily. I had often just climbed on the roof and sat there on the ledge just staring at the view, maybe drawing a picture or two or maybe just spying on my sister through her bedroom window which overlooked the roof. Sometimes, I got caught but majority of the time I got away with it.
I listened to mum quietly and when finished I went to my sisters room. Our neighbour was there who was also our best friend ever and both of them were talking about how they hated 'Europe' and the song 'A Final Countdown'. It was number one at that time and had been playing constantly on the radio and top of the pops.
"He is the ugliest man in the world, and totally grosses me out" Daisy said.
My sister was laughing hysterically because she had just bought a teen magazine with him in full on a two page spread and she was flashing the picture towards Daisy and making kissy noises. Daisy was so not impressed but the laughter continued until eventually Daisy was called by her mum for tea and had to go.
"It would be hysterical if we could pin this picture on her bedroom wall tonight, ready for her when she gets up in the morning" my sister had said with a mischievious grin. " she will be totally freaked. Why don't you go and ask her mum".
"Me, no way you do it" I replied.
"Oh, pleeeeease, you know your the bestest sister ever"
"No way, any how I don't think we could do it without waking her up anyway, so it's a silly idea".
"We should try because it would be hilarious" my sister said smiling at me. So we sat and thought for a while.
"Umm, what about if I climb on the Kitchen roof and access her window from her Kitchen roof then sellotape the picture on her window" I said excited that this idea might work. "Then, when she wakes up and opens her curtains she will see his face looking in on her and will scream, it will be so funny" I sounded so enthusiastic.
"What if you break their roof, mum will kill you".
"Oh, please I am super slick on the roof, just like catwoman I can slide across light and nimble" I said doing an immpression of catwoman tippy toeing in the bedroom. That evening the plan had been set and early tommorow (well around 11am) it would be put into action.
I woke up at 10.30am all eager to put our plan into play. After waking my sister, I quietly opened the garden door and outside I climbed on our kitchen roof. Careful not to make any noise, as not to wake Daisy or even my mother.
Very cautiously I climbed onto the neighbours kitchen roof.
Tippy toe, tippy toe, tippy toe, across the top I went, very slowly as not to fall or make any sound that would be heard in the neighbours kitchen. The picture rolled up in one hand and sellotape in the other, tippy toe, tippy toe all the way to her window. I was there at last and the curtains were closed so I carefully opened the picture and placed it face inwards on the window.
Now trying to use the sellotape with one hand whilst holding the picture against the window with the other and having to use my teeth to break the tape proved quite tricky but I eventually managed it.
I looked up towards the window and reached out my hand to place the first strip of tape when all of a sudden the curtain opened. I froze.
It all happened within a couple of minutes, I looked up at the face in the window, which was not Daisy's by the way but her mothers, looking very angrily at me. So I jumped backwards and fell towards our kitchen roof. Even then I did not stop I just crawled towards our roof and once on it I stood up and looked at Daisy's mum asking "What are you doing? you could have fallen". All I could say was it was the picture. I don't even know why I thought her mum would know what I was talking about.
All of a sudden I heard banging on my sisters window and I thought she is calling me to climb in. So on turning my head and getting ready to run in that direction, again I just froze.
Mum had been banging on the window and she looked really angry saying she was going to kick my butt. Showing me her fist, she was opening the window but before she could scream at me, all I could think of before I jumped off the roof was 'It's the Final Countdown dannana nanananan dannana nanananna (music to the song).........
Obviously, I didn't die, I just sprained my ankle along with getting into sooo much trouble that wonderful, gorgeous Summer.
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